I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
