Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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