Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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