i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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