I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
literally had 100 drinks last night.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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