probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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