my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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