mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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