Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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