There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
