i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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