I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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