what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
