you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My penis needs a shock collar
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
