wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
