The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
