with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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