About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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