the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
