I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
