i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
