What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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