was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
