I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
