you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
