I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
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my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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