I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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