He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
