I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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