I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
