Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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