is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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