Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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