im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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