I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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