im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
