We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
