Jerry, you need to find god
Life is so much better after having sex.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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