I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
