Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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