im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Less talking, more tequila
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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