until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
