Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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