I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
