Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you never un-have a 4some
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
