Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
