Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
