I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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