you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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