She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
