i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
