Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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