when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
